the thing that blindsides

There are times I don’t know why I am writing this thing. Sometimes it’s because I think that I have some kind of crazy sick idea that someone out there can benefit from something I’ve said.
Let’s be clear.
For the most part, dealing with Autism is like any other kind of thing that blindsides you on any given day…It comes along and knocks you off your feet. But really, it’s what you do with this knowledge afterward that defines you as a person.
Do you sit and stew?
Do you allow yourself to rage with self-pity?
Do you get angry at your spouse?
Do you get angry with God?
Do you get angry with child?
Do you get angry with yourself?
Well, to be honest, none of those things really can help.
Sitting and stewing, helps no one. Not even you. You can’t rage into self-pity. It doesn’t help.
I remember a quote from a movie that said “….Conflict and hardship can either burn you to a crisp or turn you into Gold.”  It’s what you do with it. I don’t remember what movie that was…I think it was a “Tammy” movie. It stuck with me. And it’s probably a good thing.
I like to think I am a better person for what we’ve gone through.
For starters here are some nuggets of wisdom I have learned living with this thing.
You can’t get angry at your spouse. Autism is a roll of the dice. With or without that person in your life you may or may not still have had an autistic child.
God may have given you your child-however, it’s not as a punishment- rather, I like to think of Booga as a gift. More than once I have thought, “What would life be like without Booga?” And the thing is; I don’t know if I would want a life without him in the world. He brings so much to mine.
Would I wish the problems that Autism presents on anyone? No. I know people who would benefit personally from having an autistic person in their lives…But do I wish this on any family. No.
I believe God chooses who gets blessed with the autistic child. Of course there are people, who don’t receive this gift with the optimism or the patience that is required by it. In that case it is given over to other people to be blessed by this child. Sometimes, it’s the simple fact that they are in the world that blesses not just the people around them, but the greater community in the whole.
Does that make sense?
In any case, there is no sense believing that your autistic child is doing the things that they do just to piss you off. They don’t want to be driven to do the things they do…I can’t be angry with Booga. He didn’t do this to himself. In fact I know that if he could make himself an average kid he would. But he has no real choice in the matter. It’s his nature. And it’s not to me to try and change who he is rather it is for me to help him cope with the rest of the world and to help the rest of the world cope with him.
And I am all done being angry with myself. There was nothing in the pregnancy I could have done-according to the doctors (back to the whole-roll-of-the-dice thing).
The biggest part of dealing with Autism is getting to the point where you realize, it’s not your deal, it’s not something to cure. There is no cure for Autism, they will always be autistic. You’ll just frustrate yourself into a tizzy if you think that way. Even these people who say, “I cured my child of autism and you can too!” Are either lying or aren’t seeing the autistic tendencies. They treat the symptoms and not the illness. They have trained their child to react in certain ways. I’ve done that. Booga says please and thank you. But when you get right down to it- and you’re around these so-called-cured- kids- hello, there’s still some Autistic characteristics present that either mom or dad doesn’t notice or doesn’t want to see them. They are fooling themselves; because they couldn’t handle the diagnosis. Maybe they weren’t strong enough or had too much going on in their lives to have this thing blindside them, either way, they are kidding themselves.
Get over it; it’s not the end of the world.
You can treat this child like any other child. Granted it’s going to be a slower process, but it is still the best way to raise a special needs child. Granted it’s going to take them that much longer to grow up. But we as parents can’t put time limits on children. Eighteen was made up by the government to send men to war at a certain age. Eighteen is no magic number. I think of myself at 22 and I was a child; A child marrying and having a child as a child.
I have come to the conclusion that I am probably going to end up putting Booga in a group home or some place where he can monitored. I’ll tell you why: my husband and I need that time when we are older to enjoy our retirement, and Boog needs a place to be when we are no longer able to take care of him. Granted he has a brother and sister, but I can’t count on them to take care of Boog- that would be unfair. And Boog needs some kind of separation as a person in the world. And granted someday he will be able to do a lot of the things that we all do as adults but he still has to be monitored all the time. He will always have a tendency to not use the common sense you and I take for naught. For example; you don’t put a porcelain teapot on the stove to heat. It’s one of those things you have to make tea for separately for and then put in the pot. The pot never sees fire. Or another thing is that you don’t wear long draping sleeves to cook in because they’ll catch fire. He doesn’t get that. You don’t make yourself huge amounts of food for every meal.
If I let Boog he would eat himself sick. And he has before. We’ve walked out of restaurants with Boog and he’s thrown up in the parking lot- because he’ll stuff himself. You have to stop him after your done with your meal and he’s still eating and ask him if he would like a box, and tell him, “You can take it home and have it later.”
It’s one of those things where at least it gives him the ride home to take a breather from eating. I don’t know why he does this? But I think it has something to do with one of the para-pro’s he had in preschool who insisted on taking his food away from him and not giving it back if he got up and left the table for any reason while he was eating.
That’s all a good and fine disciplinary move, but you can also instill bad habits like stuffing themselves with all their food on their plate, because they think that if they leave the table to go to the rest room or get a drink all their food is going to be gone when they come back.
It’s not how I raised my children.
That’s another thing you have to guard against; other people’s ideas of how you are raising this child.
You know how this child works; how they think and react and their limitations. If you don’t think this is the right thing for your kid…Say so. And if they insist on it, then make them lock themselves into responsibility if it is wrong. I have learned this from so many years of having people (who think they know Boog ) tell me what he is and isn’t capable of and allowing myself to be duped into trying to get him to do these absurd things that are beyond his capabilities. Sometimes with embarrassing consequences, so I have learned to lock them into the responsibility of ownership if things go wrong. That way I don’t have to mop up the results and it all rests in their lap. You can do this by writing down what you think will happen and sending it in with them and having the person send back a note either disagreeing or agreeing. That is why Boog has a notebook aside from his planner that he takes with him everyday. This thing is set up so that his teacher has to write in it everyday about what’s going on. I want documentation. Not only does it serve the purpose of locking them into responsibility, but it gets me out of going to those useless parent/teacher conferences, where they tell you the same thing they told you three months ago.
It does not take the place of an IEP.
An IEP is a totally different liter of kittens.
So you see, these are all things I’ve learned over time. You, I am sure, can understand why sometimes when I am writing I wonder if anyone is listening; if I am writing this for no good reason other than my own outlet or is by my writing these things and sending it out into the ether world of the internet is a useful thing?
I hope so.
God gave me this for a reason and I need to take this and not hide it under a bushel. I wish to let this light shine, if not for everyone, maybe for just one person other out there.
Use this wisely and for your benefit.
Learn from me.