Sleep to Dream Him....

Boog loves to sleep.

I check on Booga a lot.

I make sure he is breathing-A LOT.

I worry about him because I was told a long time ago by a sister of an Autistic man, to be aware that even though he might not be displaying it now, he might someday have a Grand Maul seizure. A Grand Maul Seizure is like this; twitching, rolling eyes back, drooling, losing control of ones bladder. Read more here. It is also called a generalized tonic-clonic seizure.

Well, let me see, along with PICA which is a tendency to eat things that are not food, when he was small, like chalk and detergent (one time he ate "Bar Keepers Friend"), he also displayed some Petit Mal symptoms. So Grand Maul is not out of the question.

And I fear it I think because my cousin died from choking during a seizure (or I believe that is what they thought) in the institution she was relinquished to- I believe, I can't be sure, in her sleep. So the underlying fear is manifested in my mind.

Now if you don't know what Petit Mal seizures are, they are seizures that might not be anything but looking like they are lost in their own world. It's a blank stare for a mere few seconds and then they are back in the world. I've seen him do this in the car. Staring at nothing and then if I said his name or handed him something "click" he's back. It's like when your computer freezes for a second or two and then releases. Read more about that here.

This fear was very present-And very real because not too long ago when a classmate of Boog's died in her sleep.

His classmates went to the funeral as did he.

I did think about attending.

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I did leave a condolence on the web guest book but I just couldn't bring myself to see this happen to a disabled child. I feared I would be uncontrollably rendered asunder by sadness and that I would make a fool of myself by crashing into a torrent of tears. Which had I known the girl would have been appropriate but were inappropriate by way of the fact that it would have been all about me thinking of "all but for the will of God…"

And that kind of selfishness is not something that is needed at a funeral; especially one for a child of special needs…

My poor children have had to attend classmate's funerals without me before-I don't care to go to funerals unless I absolutely have to go to them. But then who in their right mind does find it pleasurable? I mean seriously? No one wants to see a family member or close friend stretched out like that. Seriously.

I dressed him like he was going to church and they all went together with their teacher and came home afterward with their teacher.

This was the first time Booga ever experienced a funeral.

I don't generally take him to funerals because for one, I don't really want to have to concentrate on what he is doing all the time. And two, most of the funerals I have had to attend, are people that he has either never met, or wouldn't know because he hasn't really had contact with them.

God Bless him he handled himself with amazing compassion. He walked to the casket and looked down at his classmate and said, "She looks so beautiful." I think his teacher told me he kissed her on the head and said, "Goodbye Samantha." And it was so touching that he brought her to tears.

He had asked me earlier in the day when I was helping him get dressed what a funeral was exactly. I told him, "A funeral is for people to say goodbye to their friends and family when they have died. So you have to say goodbye to Samantha."

And that's what he did.

I don't relish the time that I "have" to take him to funeral for someone. I don't. Not just because I want my family and friends around me forever. But because I don't want to deal with his grief which I will be unable to help him conquer.

Here's my thing, Boog is high functioning enough to let himself try to hug you. It's not a real hug. To get real hugs you have to say, "Give me a real hug not those fake ones." More on how I managed to get him to touch other people let alone hug other people-later.

But when he is really aware of the emotional significance of a situation, he does his best to allow you to be comforted by him-with a hug-not for long, but he does allow it. It's something we've worked on since he was small.

This is no small triumph.

For an autistic it is nothing short of a miracle.

However, to live in this family that survives off of human contact, well, it is an essential part of living like learning to feed oneself.

The biggest problem will be the amount of human contact that will take place will be unacceptable to him. He allows "me" and maybe his dad, and his brother and sister, and sometimes (because the world would stop spinning if not) his grandma to hug him. But not for long and it's always a tense hug. I imagine large amounts of time in the bathroom stimming. I imagine lots of questions. I can't however imagine his grief because any time Boog has grieved for being punished or for not getting something he wants or for us not allowing him to obsess about something- it's inconsolable. You can't make it better.

All the training and work goes out the window and you get an autistic man in the midst of the biggest "stim-fest" ever and there is no hugging, period.

 No amount of talking, no amount of telling him its okay.-Its anger and frustration to the 3.144444444 or pie degree. Simply because the Autism doesn't allow him to understand that it is okay to feel angry, and sad, and frustrated.

I'm grateful for the fact that these things didn't come up earlier in his life when he was completely out of control.

I thank God for that.

…And thankfully again, with this latest familiar passing he will be spared that emotional nightmare simply because of geography, but does it make me concerned less about it? No.

Its 3:28 in the afternoon and Boog is still asleep. I can hear him turning over in his bed through the wall of my office so I won't check on him-otherwise I would.

I know that today the son won't rise till late. And because I know he is breathing-his late sleeping doesn't bother me.

I'll just let him sleep because it's good for him.

.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.•·.·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·..·´¯`·.·•.·:*¨¨*:·.