Poopie Doopie

Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Or Poop Water

Once upon a time, my husband decided that the water pressure in our well was not strong enough and that he needed to fix it. He was home (because of a death in the family) and it was time; at least that is what he said. I never thought it was that bad...I was fine with the water pressure...But men (maybe not all but at least this one) have an issue with how much pressure is behind his squirter! And what distance they can master... (My hose shoots all the way out to the road ...Look at that arch!)
my husband is a mechanical genius...He is highly gifted and can stand and listen to a machine and tell you what is wrong with it from the sound of the engine...He can take a motor apart, lay it on the floor, and put it back together and watch it run in his head...However, he is helpless when it comes to household projects.
He ruined my counter top in my kitchen by putting ( his hands on it ) a hole in it with a hand held saw...He managed to drill too many holes in the cupboard doors for the handles and used wood filler to fix it. He put the faucets in the bathroom in backwards and didn't caulk around the tub when we put it in so water can get in the basement if it stands in the bathroom for very long... (Booga...Need I say more). One time he decided he thought the flooring was buckled in the kitchen and cut it with and exacto knife and so for years we had to put rugs over it to hide it...He built the deck and didn't finish the railing and the steps are lopsided and have had to be replaced. He didn't finish the decorative planter in the front yard and to this day, the end of it has the cinder blocks gathering dirt from an additional flower bed at the end.

He's getting better at it...The siding he did on the house looks relatively good still and the fence is still pretty decent....

However, I decided to drink a lot more than I should have….. most of the day….when he decided to tackle the well....
He spent probably two to three hundred dollars pulling up our well....He went back and forth to varying towns. To the Lowe's in one town because Home Depot in ours didn't have the right stuff...Then he found that the well we had, had an old fashioned kind of head that was hard to find. It was evening by then and he decided to call a well guy.
Three days...Four basement floods and a lot of my own tears later...We had a working well...
And all was good....
Until....
My husband went to Louisiana (who at that time had their own problems) and didn’t come home until the day before Thanksgiving...Which was fine...I mean this is how he makes his living...However…
One day I went downstairs to do laundry...And Chewie had complained earlier that the water was coming up in the toilet when he took a shower...And I had blown him off because he liked to tell you bad news back then. I called him the harbinger of death. Then I saw the brown liquid inside my washer and the water on the floor.
Crap.
So I called my husband and he said to get a hold of someone and have them pump out the septic drain field...Oh joy.
As a general rule this would not be a problem. However, in this state there is a time in November when "almost" no man can be found...This day is November 15. This is the first day of the rifle hunting for deer.

So I called and called all over the area...I called an hour and forty five minutes away to find someone. They wouldn't come and in fact I had people hang up on me. Crap.

These are people who would, in normal circumstances, come over as soon as they got done hanging up the phone. There would be gone until Wednesday if not for the rest of the week.
Now most people who live in the city (I was born and raised in a city) take for granted that their sewer goes down into the drain and out to the sewer system...However, those of us who dwell rurally have to rely on drain fields and septic systems to keep out the filth. You cannot flush the potty when the drain field is full or it ends up coming back up through the pipes...Two days of no potty and this girl goes to a hotel to have a working toilet. So I am crying at this point...Not only has Great Grandma died and we have dumped $2,500.00 in a well...But now we have to deal with dirty septic. Lovely. I am thinking seriously about drinking heavily....

Finally I get a hold of an ancient woman who says she will talk to her boy about sucking out the pooper and she says that she will call me if he can do it tomorrow. Oh joy!
So, we allow this time...And she does call back and she says, he will come in from hunting at noon and pump it out for me... I thank her profusely and she says right before she hangs up..."You should be very grateful." I agree that I am.

I will not argue the point with someone who has gotten a rifle carrying, deer hunting, "this is our traditional time of year to fart and drink beer and poop in the woods" male to suck out the feces field.
Joyous!

SO I sat there waiting for the arrival of the man with Septic truck, unable to look like or smell like a human being because there would be no showers here until after that.

But that wasn't the kicker.

About the same time that this was all going on...Booga decides that his hair is too long and (without my knowledge) cuts his hair with my razor. So he walks out of the bathroom with a towel over his head. And we ask him to take the towel off. He takes it off... "I cut my hair...Isn't that wild?"

Sure was.

I took him out on the deck and gave him a marine cut so he looked like a person again. But needless to say I had a full day of crap.

It reminded me for days of my mom who says when she is tired or disgusted with something, “Oh poopie doopie.”

I used to get really disgusted when my mom used to use her family’s toilet-laden humor to make people laugh. It wasn’t funny it was just disgusting and childish and coming out of my mothers mouth; who was just like June Cleaver it just didn’t look right.
I realize where it came from, I mean these are largely uneducated people ( I swear my grandmother got married to my grandfather to piss off her family…) But my mom married my dad who had a more intelligent and sarcastic sense of humor and this is the sense of humor I have.
The events of those days have made me say, “Poopie doopie” and I have a more interesting opinion on Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. I think he lives beneath my back yard actually. I was tired of water. I was tired of dirt. I was just plain tired.

Unfortunately, the woman who promised her son would come out right after hunting called back and cancelled. And eventually some people from an hour away came out at an added one hundred dollars to their normal fee. Which I was more than happy to pay it and happier still to tell my husband about who I was furious with for having thrown conniptions about the well and gloriously happy about it later because we decided later, it was the chlorine that they had put in the well to sanitize it, that killed the bacteria in the septic and caused it to back up.

So there it was….Be careful what you think you need, because it might be more complicated than you think it actually is...

My husbands still this way, currently he’s putting in a cement, patio, driveway and approach around our barn….

GOD HELP US!